I am no animal expert, but I think it's safe to say that it is a fact that monkeys are the most horrid little buggers that ever existed anywhere, ever.

They are creepy. They smell bad. They have no concern over where or when they relieve themselves. They are greedy and thieving and gluttonous and now that I think about it would make great pirates.

But they are not pirates, mostly because of the tail.

What's worse is they are not stupid things, so it is very difficult to trick and trap them or keep them from wrapping rope around your boots while you are sleeping so that you trip and land on your face like an idiot.

Not that that happened to me. I'm just saying.

To back up my argument, I present the following examples of monkey vileness from least offensive to most:

King Kong- All right, technically not a monkey, but close enough. Kidnaps women. Rips the heads of T-Rex's in half (awesome, but not very nice). Ruins large expensive buildings and strands said kidnapped women on top of them.




 Dr. Zaius - Aside from his awful fashion choices of orange naugahyde jackets that match his skin and hair, he messed with Charlton Heston, and NOBODY messes with Charlton Heston!




Winged Monkey- So you're watching a nice family movie, enjoying a young girl skipping through the woods and singing with her dear friends, when out of the sky comes a storm of winged nightmares who abduct the girl and tear the scarecrow apart. And if that were not enough, they are dressed like the devil's bellhops and are wearing red lipstick. Seriously. What the hell?




Evil Monkey- Hiding in your closet, ready to jump out at anytime and silently point and bear its teeth at you. And that's all. How disconcerting is that?




Hideous Monkey Toy- Do I really have to explain this one? What maniac designed this? Here little child, here is a toy monkey that was just released from an asylum for the criminally insane, and to make it interesting, we've given him symbols to bash while he stares and grins at you. You know, just so you have an idea of what he's planning. Sweet dreams.


Monkeybone (2001)- A Claymation monkey and Chris Katan? Need I say more? Just a vomitous cesspool of a movie.






In conclusion, monkeys are bad things.

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